Gnurple dot Net

From the dead-soldier department:

At work there is a foosball table. By virtue of the “spin to win” strategy used by those of us with no innate foosball talent, it gets heavily used. Some of the players are showing, shall we say, wear and tear. Little cracks are forming.

Eventually, one of the players was split in twain.

I took pity on the poor player and brought it home for treatment. I found a jar of small nails. I found a small can of PVC cement. I found a dremel.

* grin *

The 10 step process to repairing a foosball man:

Step 1

Drill 4 holes through bottom half until drillbit exits

Step 2

Insert nails through holes from the bottom exit hole until point of nail just slightly sticks up through cracked side;

Step 3

Firmly press top half against bottom half; nails will mark positions in top half;

Step 4

Drill short holes into top half;

Step 5

Use cut-off wheel to remove tips and tops of 4 nails, creating surgical pins;

Step 6

Insert pins into top half; dry-fit with bottom half;

Step 7

Lament on how well things would have fit together had I used a drill press or something instead of handheld shenanigans; force two halves together as much as possible using pliers-and-cursing method;

Step 8

Separate halves; apply PVC cement to both sides;

Step 9

Remove excess cement with hastily-fetched paper towel;

Step 10

Notice how well PVC cement works as paper towel comes away with some red on it.

This is why they don’t let me near hospitals anymore.

I brought the newly repaired foosballer back to the office and installed it on the table, switching it for a position that shows the least wear — or at least, an easily accessible position showing somewhat less wear (if you’re going to be a bad surgeon you’re also granted laziness at no extra cost!).

I drizzled a little bit more PVC cement over the now-installed left-wing foosball defenceman.

I then declared my confidence in the soldier newly restored to the battlefield. I believe my words were, “I’ll be surprised if it lasts through a game.”

To my surprise, he lasted more than a week! Alas, while he held up for a few days, he eventually started cracking again and finally busted apart.

Here then is an ode to our fallen hero (now including a haiku!). He will be missed — every time the blue team scores a goal.

Foosball man
Your injuries did not heal
Rest in pieces, dude

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