It Watches You
December 9th, 2008 @ 21:32 by NormMonkey
This is how weather works in Canada.
It watches you.
You go outside with your shovel. You’re out there doing essentially the same thing over and over again for an hour or so. Inevitably you develop a rythm, a technique that works for you.
Meanwhile, it watches you.
“Oh, nice fluffy snow, eh? Push it around into piles with your scoop shovel and then you quickly dismiss the piles with your flat-bladed bucket shovel, eh?”
Next time, it’s different. Next time, it’s hard-pack wet snow. You try to push it into piles and for every foot forward you go your shovel jams.
New technique. Split the driveway lengthwise down the middle. Now you can fling the stuff on the left into a row along the lawn edge, then do the same on the right. Divide and conquer. When you get to the bottom, you clear an extra wide swath so the big white plow turd left at the end of the driveway won’t be so big.
Meanwhile, it watches you.
“Oh, ye think yer clever, eh?”
Next time, it’s different. Next time, the tire tracks of your car form hard-packed snow that you can’t remove. They’ll be there come Spring. Next time the street plow sees your bare patch as an opportunity to regain lost ground on the right.
Don’t try to back your car out through the plow turd. Don’t go thinking if you hit it fast enough it’ll all move out of the way. Take it from me, it doesn’t work. Think see-saw. Think foldaway shovel in your trunk. Think duct-tape holding up your bumper.
New technique. Leave your car on the street while you shovel out the driveway. Rent a flamethrower to melt the snow tracks.
Meanwhile, it watches you.
“Oh, beauty job, eh? Park yer car on the street, eh?”
Next time, the street plow will come before you finish your driveway. It’ll wait ’til you’ve pushed all the snow to the end of your driveway, and if you don’t move your car before it gets there it’ll leave a plow turd at either end of your car.
You won’t be driving ’til the March equinox.
